An eleven question exercise for furthering healthy relationships with friends and loved ones, wherein persistent disagreement has resulted in fractured intimacy.
Question 1:
Do you want to change their minds – or, understand where they are coming from?
There are no wrong answers, here. However, it’s good to know what your own immediate desire is.
Follow-up question: Ultimately, can their core concerns/beliefs be truly addressed without your (deeply) understanding them?
Question 2:
As you understand it, is their disagreement mostly intellectual – or emotional?
- In other words, are they disagreeing based on reason & logic?
- Or, are they responding to emotional pain they’ve felt?
- (Or both?)
Question 3:
If their disagreement is logical, what exactly is their reasoning?
- How well do you understand the logic they’re using?
- Rate: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- Can you see where they are coming from, how they might arrive at these conclusions?
- Rate: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How much validity might there be to some of their conclusions?
- Rate: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- Can you imagine believing how they believe — what might that be like?
Question 4:
If emotional, what are they feeling — and why? (In other words, what has specifically contributed to the hurt emotions they feel?)
- How well do you understand the events that informed their emotional objections?
- Rate 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- Can you see where they are coming from, how they might arrive at these conclusions?
- Rate 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
- How much validity might there be to some of their concerns?
- Rate 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Question 5:
If you moved your perspective even slightly toward agreement, what might that do for the relationship?
- How might the other party feel to know you might/could/do agree with something they said?
No wrong answers.
Question 6:
If you moved your perspective even slightly toward agreeing with them, what might that mean for you, personally?
- In other words, how would it impact you to say you agree with something the other party holds dear? Emotionally? Intellectually? With your social circle?
No wrong answers.
Question 7:
What would your “dream scenario” look like — if they changed their mind, and agreed with you?
- What would change?
- How happy would you be?
- How happy would they be?
Question 8:
What would their “dream scenario” look like — if you changed your mind and agreed with them?
- What would change?
- How happy would they be?
- How happy would you be?
Question 9:
What would your relationship look like if you felt no judgment or criticism from them?
Question 10:
What would your relationship look like if they felt no judgment or criticism from you?
Question 11:
Is it possible to have a wonderful relationship with them, even without total agreement?
- If so, what will it require from you? From them?
- If not, why?
Travis Burch
GC, NBC-HWC
Travis Burch is a licensed and insured General Contractor, Custom Home Builder, and National Board Certified Health & Wellness Coach.